Well I must say that I am very nervous about making this speech. In fact this is the fifth time today that I have got off a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand. They say a good speech is like a MINI SKIRT …… SHORT enough to be interesting but LONG enough to cover the ESSENTIALS… So here goes…
First of all a big thank you to the usher for a job well done today. Especially considering he has difficulty with the alphabet and distinguishing between left and right. So I’m glad everyone was sent to the correct place in the chapel. I’d also like to add my own compliments to Carly, who I think you’ll agree looks absolutely stunning today! Dean, on the other hand, just looks stunned! The bridesmaids also look stunning as well.
I will now do my best to give Dean the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Carly’s life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Dean. It’s the first time I’ve had the honour of being a best man. It’s the first time that Dean has complimented me in over 25 years, and best of all it’s the first time I’ve got a free dinner out of him. For today I have done quite a bit of research towards this speech, and being in IT I decided to look on the Internet. After a while, I finally found some really good stuff…but it had nothing to do with being a best man.
I believe my main responsibilities for today are:
To ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good. It is a difficult task because after all, I’m best man, not a plastic surgeon! Dean was born on 25th June 1978, which was the same year YMCA was released…. He also shares a birthday with such notables as Julian Clary and George Michael. There are some stories you can tell at a wedding and then there are others that might be interesting to tell, but can’t really be told. The ones that Dean invented about himself for the reader’s letters section of Playboy magazine would be a perfect example.
So here are the ones I can tell….
When John was younger, if he did anything really bad my Dad use to get the belt out. John in his wisdom decided that it had to go, so he got the belt and burnt it on a bonfire. Still to this day dad didn’t know what happened to his belt! Dad use to call him the exorcist in the house. Every time he came around, he rids the house of all the spirits…… or at the very least tops them up with water. Now traditionally I have to offer you some advice John, never be complacent, always keep an eye out for those little tell tail signs in your relationship………like if you see the milkman wearing your socks. John also just remember it only takes a couple of words mumbled in chapel and you’re married. But it only takes a couple of words mumbled in your SLEEP and you’re divorced!
Carly also remember, men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with. On the other hand Dean women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full‐bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache. Oh one last thing before i read some cards out, not a lot of people know this but Carly’s got a nick name for Dean….yes I found out…….He’s called HOLIDAY BOY…apparently he’s GOOD WHILE HE LASTS, BUT SHE WISHES HE WAS LONGER.
Well, I think that’s enough to keep him embarrassed for now. There are only a couple of other things to do, one of which is to read out a few cards: Dear Dean Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you’ve made the right choice. Love Michael Barrymore
Dear Clary It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we’ll have to call it a day now you’re married. From Brad Pitt
So to wrap this up, I’d just like to say that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it’s about finding someone you can’t live without. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for not falling asleep and may I ask you to raise you glasses to
Dean and Carly, also known as, Mr and Mrs Slade!!