Good afternoon Ladies Gentlemen girls and boys! We have arrived at that point in the day where we must rise from the comfort of our chairs and make fools out of ourselves, well some of us anyway! I will however try and postpone mine for as long as possible and hand you over to David, Kathy’s father to say a few words.
Thank you David.
I would now like to hand you over to Nigel to make his excuses/say a few words.
Well Nigel, I hope you made the most of your speech as now you’re a married man, that’ll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted! or corrected!
Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls I hope you are having a wonderful time,
For what seems to be the tenth time today I find my self rising from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand…
I would like to read some messages from those who could not make it to this auspicious occasion.
Now I will read a few cards which Nigel and Kathy have requested that I read
To Kathy I’m Sorry I could not marry u myself so I got one of my mates to do it, but best wishes on your special Day
From the Pope …
Congratulations on your special day Nigel we will miss u All the girls from the fantasy lounge XX
I have never actually been a best man before and I am not renowned for my speech writing. I promise you though that I’ll try my best, because Nigel has promised that if I do a good job today, I can be Best Man at his next wedding, too.
It is really a great honour ladies and gentlemen but in all honestly I’m actually a little bit nervous doing this. I do feel a bit comforted by the fact I’ve actually already rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience. – Yep it was Nigel’s geriatric home – and I think it went well – they all peeed themselves
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Tom and for those of you that do … well I apologise. My full name is actually ‘Tom would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I meet in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name. [pause] I am I one of Nigel’s brothers and isn’t it good to see that I am finally receiving the recognition I deserve by being named as Best man. It is well known that I can talk and I couldn’t help but notice that there is a bet on about the length of my speech. Well, just to let you know, having backed myself at 2 hours 38 minutes and with the kitty currently standing at around £50, I must apologise in advance, so please try to make yourself comfortable and enjoy the ride.
I would like to thank the bridesmaids Lynn, Sheryl, Claire and Alison whom I’m sure you will agree all look radiant. And how nice it is to see Claire out of her emo/hippy out fit.
I would also like to thank Harry and Nick for carrying out the really difficult task of telling people where to sit in church, Nana Julie for laying on the horse and carriage, Rob for doing the invitation inserts and Uncle Jim for doing the video.
I would also like to thank Auntie Pam, Auntie Sue and Sarah for the glorious flowers in the church and everyone else who has helped with the hall.
Now it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to raise your glasses for some very important people, with out them here today the day would not be the same,
Would you raise your glasses to toast..
The bar staff!!
Before I begin, Kathy could you please place your right hand on the table, Nigel place your left on top of Kathy’s. All will be revealed in good time.
I can confirm to you all that last night Nigel slept like a baby………that is to say he wet the bed twice………..and woke up many times crying for his MUMMY!
The only problem i think we have encountered so far is that Nigel and Kathy had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn’t decide where everyone should sit. So, true fashion, Nigel decided to link it to the wedding present list He decided to put those who brought the biggest items nearest the front, and work back from there…
So ***** [“pause” and look around at the back for ******* ] Nigel and Kathy wanted to say thanks for the oven glove!
Nigel and Kathy have been together for a few years now and seem to have found their soul mates in each other.
In life, its difficult to imagine Morecambe without Wise, tom without jerry, Romeo without Juliet, Del without Rodney, and of course Nigel without Kathy.
As I have mentioned before, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible. So where do you begin for ideas?
The first and most obvious place seemed to be the Internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the web.
After a couple of hours searching I found some REALLY good stuff on the net, but ….then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!
I was actually able to locate tons of ready-prepared speeches on the internet…. but sadly, not one of them were about a couple called Nigel and Kathy ….so it looks like it’s down to me after all. All this research lead me to discover that according to tradition, I am supposed to sing the groom’s praises, and tell you all in detail about his many good points. Sadly I cant sing and I will not lie!
Kathy is a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Nigel, you should be on your knees thanking God you married her before she found one!
Seriously Nigel, you are really lucky. You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is entertaining, funny, intelligent, and who radiates beauty where ever she goes. [pause] [face Kathy] And Kathy[pause] how lucky you are as well [pause] you leave today having gained a .[pause] Gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers. [pause]
Nigel has had a chequered life and it started some 27 years ago when quite small he entered our family and joined Mark and me. This was a sad day and a real disappointment to us, we now had to share our toys with one more person. However it was not long until Nigel was exposing himself to the whole country literally sitting on a potty in the middle of the countryside as the world went on by. Later he went on to school and by the age of sixteen he finally left primary school.
Now instead of stories you will all have to listen to my martial advice instead. I’m not sure I’m the best person to dish out advice! But I do have the following words of wisdom for the happy couple.
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who is the boss:
Then do everything Kathy says.
Always remember to tell your wife those three important little words [pause] ‘You’re right dear’.
Kathy A husband is like a tiled floor [pause] lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take the husband gives and the wife takes. [pause]
Remember the 5 rings
the engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing and the enduring
Don’t forget Nigel if you buy her flowers, she knows you are guilty, and she will remember to the second the last time you bought her some … and the reason why!
Are any of you are wondering why I asked Nigel to place his hand on Kathy’s? Well I can now reveal that Nigel, as my final role, it is with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last 10 minutes in which you have had the upper hand on Kathy. I hope you enjoyed it, as it will almost certainly be the last.
May your love be modern enough to service the times and old fashioned enough to last for ever.
Here’s to love, to laughter, and happily ever after. As Nigel and Kathy start their new life, please stand and toast the new husband and wife,
If you would all be up standing in my toast
To the new Mr and Mrs Wood
Nigel and Kathy!