Well David, I hope you made the most of your speech as now you’re a married man that’ll be the last time you get to speak for 5 minutes without being interrupted! For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Andy, Dave’s younger brother. It’s great to be stood up here today because, after all these years, Dave has finally admitted that I am, in fact, the best man.
When I was asked to be the best man, there were a lot of things I wanted to say like how honoured and humbled I felt. I’ve never been asked to do anything quite so responsible before. But then as time went on, I realised that I’d have to do a speech and that at some point during it I would have to say something nice about Dave. The problem is I’ve had very little experience of doing either, so you’ll have to bear with me, actually common advice to inexperienced public speakers is to imagine the audience in their underwear. Unfortunately, I notice many of you are wearing kilts today so I decided against that.
Now in the run‐up to today, Dave and Anita had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn’t decide whom to put where. So as best man, I offered to step in and help work something out. What we finally decided to do was to use the wedding present list, and put those who bought the biggest items nearest the front, and work it back from there. So if they can hear me at the back there thanks for the oven glove.
Apparently the best man’s job consists of two tasks: The first being to make sure Dave got here on time and in decent form, sober and smart – it is my responsibility to make sure his face and hair are in order. I think that this duty is quite unfair, and have frankly just tried to do the best I could given what I had to work with, although at least his hair is actually a great improvement on some of the stupid hair styles that he had over the years. The second task is getting 5 minutes to assassinate the grooms character and reveal some of the embarrassing things he managed to get away with in his bachelor years. So now I will do my best to give Dave the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Anita’s life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Dave.
So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where no‐one can say a bad word against him? Anyway that’s enough about me. I’m here to talk about Dave. [Little known story about the groom here]
Like most brothers we’ve always had our fair share of sibling rivalry, we always used to try to beat each other up, always tried to get each other into trouble we’ve certainly had our fair share of ups and downs. I remember back to times when a petty argument would arise from nowhere. Dave would call me smelly, and I’d call him stupid and then it would spiral out of all proportion and we’d each end up running home in tears. But sure enough, the next day, Dave would drop an email from work and we’d make up. [interesting story about the groom #2]
Now before I forget I think I ought to ask for everyone to keep an eye on Dave this evening as I’ve learnt that he’s got a habit of being sick every time he drinks too much. In fact, apparently you can set your watch by it.
I’ve learnt that Daves most impressive achievement to date and something that he’s very proud of is that he’s been sick on every form of public transport. So if anyone feels the urge to buy the groom a drink this evening perhaps you should buy the best man one instead. None of you will know this, but I’ve actually congratulated Dave already, I said to him, ‘’Well done! You will always look back on this as the happiest and best thing you’ve ever done.’’ – Fitting words, I thought, to mark the end of a fantastic stag weekend. Now of course there’s a couple of embarrassing stories I could say about the weekend, but I won’t, mainly because anything I say about Dave also incriminates me.
On a more serious note let me say that the bridesmaids look absolutely stunning today, and only rightly outshone by our bride, Anita. And, I’m sure you’ll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I’m sure you’ll agree that today’s passing by, without much of a ripple. So could we put our hands together for Anita and the bridesmaids. I’d also like to thank the ushers today, they’ve done a great job of ushering – which has not been an easy job with the type of crowd we’ve had here today. I’d like to thank all the organisers for their hard work in preparing this wedding. I think you’ll all agree it is a fantastic venue, has been organised meticulously.
And I’d like to thank everyone here for attending. It still amazes me how far people will travel for a free meal and some complimentary booze. There are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. Many of us will know them pretty well already, and the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast – to the bar staff.
Dave, you have been a great brother to me and we’ve had some excellent times together and I’m sure we’ll have more in the future and it’s been an honour to be the best man today. When Dave told me he had asked Anita to marry him, I was obviously delighted, I wish them all the happiness in the world. Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you that are still capable of standing, would you now do me the honour of rising to your feet ………..and raising your glasses to Mr and Mrs Osborne