(Put on glasses)
Sorry……for an occasion…… like this, I’m supposed to tell you about Robert. I looked up his date of birth, to see what exciting events happened on that date, there was absolutely nothing. Mind you, the hospital where he was born still call that day “ugly baby Tuesday”.
I didn’t know Robert at school, so I made some enquiries from friends and family, they said he was a bit of a slow developer. When he started junior school, he was different from the other 5 year olds, he was 13. And if you asked any of his teachers what they thought he’d be when he left school, they usually said, about 35.
I spoke to his work colleagues, they now call him “GOD”, they never see him, and if he does any work it’s a bloody miracle.
I have to say, Rob, how lucky you are today, you leave here with a wife who’s warm, tender, caring, generous and always willing to join in. Sheryl, you leave here with a lovely dress and a beautiful bunch of flowers.
I was honoured when Robert asked me to be his best man, but also very nervous. The last time I spoke in front of a room full of people, I was found guilty.
With that experience in mind, I have 3 pieces of advice for Sheryl and Robert;
Lie in the arms of the one you love.
Steal every moment of happiness life has to offer.
Cheat every adversity.
I had to get some advice for the best man’s speech, so of course I went to the internet. I found some terrific sites, but after about four hours, I remembered I was supposed to be looking at speeches. It wasn’t a complete waste of time though, I ended up with 2 Russian marriage proposals, some pictures of a transvestite biker, and an appointment for next Tuesday, with Miss Whiplash from Bayswater.
Robert is hard working, honest, generous, patient, good looking, sexy……..sorry, Rob, I can’t read your writing.
Robert and I fish together, and we’re always trying to get a new P.B. That’s a Personal Best, we’re always looking to catch that bigger, better fish, well Rob,
I think you leave here today with a new personal best that you won’t ever beat.
Talking of fishing, when we were fishing in France in April, I went into Robert’s tent to get something, and I discovered one of Sheryl and Robert’s little secrets:
These! (hold up underpants with padlock through flies.) They’re the chastity pants that Sheryl makes Robert wear when he’s away from home.
Now, I’ve heard there may be a few rogue keys around, so can I ask anyone who has a key, to surrender them, as Robert is now a married man. [four men brought up previously distributed keys] I was also told I had to give the best man’s toast to the bride and groom, so I saved you this from breakfast. [Hand over toast rack with 4 slices of toast.] I must say the Bride and Bridesmaids look terrific, and the Ushers and Grooms men have done a fantastic job, and Robert looks great, even if he did copy my outfit.
I know Sheryl and Robert appreciate you all being here to share in their special day, it’s amazing how far people will travel for a free meal and a couple of glasses of wine.
An emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.
I’d like to close with a little ditty about another of Roberts’s loves, Poker.
Tonight’s the big game,
Time to be The Man,
Sue’s gonna let you play good cards,
Instead of the same old hand,
But before you begin to play,
Make sure you dim the lights in there,
That way she can’t see you,
And find you’ve only a small pair,
After all these years,
I know you might be too fast,
But come on mate, it’s your wedding night,
You’ve got to make it last,
Don’t just put on your poker face,
And lay like a lump of coal,
After all, you want her to think,
She’s got an ace in the hole,
When the action gets hot,
And the sweat starts to pour,
She’ll think you’re only teasing,
And ask you for more,
Just look her in the eye,
And tell the truth with a grin,
“Honey, I have to say,
I’m all in.”
I have a couple of cards here, from people who couldn’t make it today, [take out cards.] This one’s from the Tring Cricket Team, Congratulations, Robert and Sheryl, on your wedding day. We tried Rob in every position, and he was
useless, hope you have better luck Sheryl.
And this one says; “To Big Bob, we’ll all miss our Thursday night sessions Bob, love from all the girls at the Peek-a-Boo Strip club, Watford.”
So please raise your glasses, and join me in wishing Sheryl and Robert, Love, Laughter, and Happy Ever After.