A wise man once told me that a best man’s speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love………so thank you ladies and gentlemen and good afternoon. [Sit down, wait a second & then continue] Hello, my name is Danny, can everybody hear me okay at the back? If so, I’ll have a Pint thank you. I’m very honoured to be doing this job and in time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give Thomas the most uncomfortable 10 minutes of his life. Which, to be fair, is what he gives Sarah every‐time they go to bed. Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Tom and Sarah that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …
But first things first, it is my pleasure and privilege to respond on behalf of the bridesmaids. And on their behalf I’d like to thank Tom for his kind words and gifts. I have to say that they both look wonderful and have done an excellent job today. I would also like to thank the Ushers who have been a great help in ensuring that the day has run as smoothly as possible. I’m sure you will all agree that Sarah is looking absolutely stunning, and Tom, well you just look absolutely stunned.
Don’t worry my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. Sarah has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And Tom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the stag weekend in Dublin.
Tom was born in ______________ [Grooms D.O.B], and I had a quick look on the Internet to see what other events took place that year.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________[events that took place in the year the Groom was born]. But the main event of____________ [Grooms D.O.B] was the birth of the world’s first test tube baby, and isn’t he looking well ladies and gentlemen?
Also, during my research on the internet I also looked into weddings in general, I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself: ‐
The Aisle ‐ it’s the longest walk you’ll ever take
The Alter ‐ the place where two become one
The Hymn ‐ the celebration of marriage
I think Sarah must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I’m sure I heard her whisper Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn. “I’ll alter him”
[Little known story about the Groom] Now, I was there the night Tom met his beautiful new bride. Tom and myself were in a certain nightclub down at the beach and it was quite late on in the evening when Tom noticed the object of his desire. A vision of beauty: with eyes that sparkled, a warm smile, a firm bosom and a great pair of legs. So Tom approached his target and enquired, “May I have the next dance?” But sadly I turned him down so he went off and danced with Sarah instead.
I’ve come to the conclusion that Best Man is just a fancy title for a Nanny! As the Nanny I’ve had to ensure that the groom arrives on time, is sober, and looking good. Well 2 out of 3 isn’t bad. After all, I’m the best man, not a plastic surgeon!
During the service today, I couldn’t help thinking that it’s funny how history repeats itself. I mean, _______________________[Brides age here] years ago Sarah’s family were sending her to bed with a dummy and it’s happening again today.
As you have found out by now, a best man’s speech involves a collection of amusing stories about the groom’s past. Although there are a couple of things that are really not supposed to be mentioned at weddings, but I shall mention them anyway: ‐
First of all, Tom drink problem – well the main problem is that he can’t handle his drink. Mind you his new wife and sister‐in‐law will be able to give him some good training. And secondly, Tom’s ex‐girlfriends – I was warned about the potentially delicate duty of keeping Tom’s Ex’s at bay today. But fortunately Foot and Mouth got rid of most of them two years ago so no worries there.
So Tom and Sarah you’ve finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Tom couldn’t have done any better and Sarah couldn’t have done any worse. Now what are these you ask yourselves – well they’re Tom’s Chastity pants. [Hold up boxer shorts & padlock] Sarah has been making him wear these for the past four years keeping his crown jewels securely under lock and key. She thought that only one key had been made. But rumour has it that copies were made of this key by Tom and he has been giving these keys out to various ladies over the past few years without Sarah knowing. If anyone out there has any of these keys could we please have them back in now as Tom is married and completely out of bounds to any girl but Sarah. [Wait for keys to come back in, after being given out strategically to men, aunts etc] You dark horse Tom!
Here’s the rest I collected from over in [Your Country]. Speaking of___________________________ [Your Country]. Unfortunately I am not at liberty to mention anything about the stag weekend, other than to say that the entertainment was ravishing.
Sarah, can I ask you to place your right hand on the table. Tom, can you place your right hand on top of Sarah’s right hand. Sarah can you place your left hand on top and Tom can you place your left hand on top of that. Make the most of it Tom, it’s the last time you are going to have the upper hand.
So to finish, can I say best of luck to you both I really am absolutely delighted for both of you. I hope you have a long and happy future together. And thank you Tom, it’s been an honour to be your best man, and I look forward to speaking at your golden wedding celebrations in________________ [50 years from now]. It now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the New Mr & Mrs Washbrook.
To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple!