Disclaimer number one – My speech does NOT contain any original material – so if anyone is offended, it’s got NOTHING to do with me!
Disclaimer number two – Sally and Peter have stated that should you injure yourselves in any way when climbing on the chairs and tables at the end of my speech to give me a standing ovation, they hold themselves in no way responsible for your actions!
Ladies and gentlemen, firstly May I start by thanking Peter, on behalf of the bridesmaids – Gemma, Laura, Debbie and Leigh for his kind words – you all look beautiful today and have done a wonderful job.. And for those of you who don”t know me, and especially for those who I meet in the bar later, my name is “Sam what r u drinking”…..
Anyway Fornication, Ladies and Gentleman…………………
I’m terribly sorry. [Look down at speech]
For an occasion, Ladies and Gentleman – what a real real pleasure it is or it will be for my wife later on tonight!
turn to Sally and Pete
Pete you look beautiful today …………… Sally you’ve scrubbed up well love.
At this point I would like to ask both Pete and Sally to take part in my speech. Sally will you please place your left/right hand on the table. Pete will you please place your left/right hand on top of Sally’s…..
Are you enjoying that?
I would like to ask you both to keep your hands in this position until the end of my speech and believe me Pete you will regret it if you don’t.
As you have already gathered I am the best man and I do use that terms loosely. I think I was asked to be the best man either because Pete didn’t know who to ask or he thought – Sam I will be safe with him and won’t get slated.
As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to SING THE GROOM’S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I CAN’T SING, and I WON’T LIE
Well Pete as you probably gathered from your stag do – oh how wrong you were about me but fortunately, for all those who were there, the law of stag covers that.
However – For the benefit of those who haven’t heard or missed it I decided that when organising his stag do I would dress him up like ‘Emily the Lady’ from the TV program Little Britain – Are we curious Ladies and Gents?? Well let me show you.
Pete fair play to you – you did take it in your stride – especially when the female compare in the comedy club ripped you to pieces, but obviously not to be out done – Pete did get his own back when she was closing the show – she was talking to the Ladies and said you know ladies and then paused… well absolute classic – Pete stood up and shouted “I’m a Lady” – which pretty much brought the house down.
Personally speaking he did seem quite a home in that dress – so I’d watch your wardrobe if I was you Sally. Anyway I’m sure you will understand – Pete dressed as a woman on Canal Street, Manchester – it went down a treat especially him getting asked for his phone number by a bloke in a white shirt!!!!
Also my Dad has asked me to mention that if you see him later and he is jigging his leg – for god sake don’t come running over to him like you did on the stag do and say bloody hell David are you dancing??
Also as the Best man two of my other main jobs were to make sure his new bride turns up on time and to make sure that she was looking gorgeous for him……… well thank god you turned up on time…………Look at Sally
I’m only joking Sally – you really do look beautiful and I’m very proud to be your brother.
In the run up to today’s big event Sally and Pete had a bit of an issue with the seating plan – obviously deciding who to put where etc…… so as the best man I offered to step in and help work something out for them…… what we finally decided to do was use the wedding present list and put those who brought the biggest presents near the front and work back from there……… so if you couldn’t hear me at the back ……tough… you tight gets!
So now on to Pete…… well as rumours go when Pete first met Sally it was meant to be in true Mills and Boon style. Sally was at her second home ‘the Huddersfield Cattle Market’ AKA the Chicago Rock in town on Friday 7th November 2003 and Pete was introduced to Sally’s chest by Pete’s friend Simon – Simon literally pulled Pete over introduced them to each other and then pushed his head into her chest – after nearly suffocating him Sally apparently heard the words ‘please mummy and chocolate’. And as they say the rest is history and here we are today.
I first met Pete when Sally brought him to my mum’s 40th Birthday party wink at mum and thought well what a nice guy.
No seriously I was impressed and all the family have taken to him because he is just a genuine, handsome, intelligent, witty guy…… pause……………
How much did you say you were paying me to say this????.
No he is all of those – a wonderful father and role model to all the kids and the bigger kid plus he treats Sally the way that she deserves to be treated – with respect and love.
But Pete wasn’t always this good looking I can tell you…… after speaking with Susan his mum she’s told me he wasn’t a pretty baby… in fact he was the only baby in Huddersfield with shutters on his pram!
Apparently Susan didn’t get morning sickness until after he was born!
Susan told me that he was the only kid she knew that could be dressed in white – go out to play in tar but still come back pristine white.
She never washed his PE kit throughout high school – it was never dirty.
But look at him now – handsome devil……… Am I saying the right things???
Now I don’t know about anyone else but our Pete does like to shop – Must be his feminine side coming out – I told you he felt at home in that dress, anyway he is always going on about how many bargains that he gets at a cash and carry store called JTF well I’ve had a word with the manager and he has asked me to present you and Sally with these……… [Give the T Shirts each.]
Now as a married man I would like to share a few words of wisdom for the new happy couple:-
The 5 key tips to a successful marriage.
A man who will treat you right and always stand by your side
A man who will shower you with gifts and compliments
A man who will comfort you in times of trouble.
A man who will please you and grant your every request.
and most importantly
Ensure that each man does not know the other ones names.
Pete –Never get complacent. Look out for those tell-tale signs that there may be something wrong in your relationship…You know, like the milkman wearing your socks!
Also remember those three special little words that are key to a long and happy marriage …… “You’re right love” as opposed to “When in Rome”
Pete set the ground rules and establish who’s boss – then do everything Sally says
Have you still got your hands together? …. Good, good
I Spoke To Both Sally And Pete Before The Wedding And I Asked Paul What He Was Looking For In Marriage – He Said “Love, Happiness And a long life together.”
When I Asked Sally The Same Question – She Replied – A Coffee Perculator!
Well, She Actually Said A “Perky Copulator” But I Knew What She Meant…
Obviously today is a special day – Sally and Pete are pleased that you could all join them in this celebration…… unfortunately there is an important member of Pete’s family who cannot be with us today but I’m sure he will be thinking of you both and wishing you all the very best for the future – that Pete’s brother Chris – please stay seated – but raise your glasses in a mini toast to Chris.
Now there are two others who unfortunately couldn’t be with us here today but sent cards instead……
Dear Sally, Good luck on your wedding day, and I hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently. Lots of Love and Kisses….. Robson Green
Dear Pete, Good luck on your wedding day, and I hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently. Lots of Love and Kisses the Guy in the White Shirt from Canal Street.
Now, in case any of you are wondering why I asked Pete to place his hand on top of Sally’s, I will tell you now. Pete … as my final role as your Best Man, it has been with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last five minutes in which you will ever have the upper hand over Sally.
Anyway thanks for listening to my speech this afternoon………and as I said to my wife the first time we made love, THANKS FOR LAUGHING.
Sally and Peter – May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old enough to last forever.
Ladies and Gentlemen / Boys and Girls……It gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding, raise your glasses and join me in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Clark, Sally and Peter – who were made for each other and the very very best for your future life together.