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Classic Best Man Speech

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I heard there was a sweep stake on the length of the best mans speech. I just went for 35 minutes – so settle in…….

No seriously this speech will be a bit like Clive short and not very funny…..

Ok firstly – thanks to everyone  for organising / making possible this great occasion and venue.  Well done to Bernard and Glyns on buying such a nice house 25 years ok………………………..      Great forward planning!

DESCRIBE MY CONNECTION TO CLIVE

Uni days

For those of you who don’t know I’m Dave the best man…………

I first met Clive at Sheffield Uni. He was in Sorby Hall which had a bar and disco/ My flats were nearby but did not have a bar.  A major tactical error so Sorby hall quickly became our local.

It was a friendship formed over a mutual love of Sorby Disco, the Brittany spears video “Hit me baby one more time”, and the Friday and Saturday night uni events very classily called Loveshack and Pop tarts.

Clive did Business studies which was basically a class of blonde girls and Clive from what I could make out.  I studied Economics which was harder and full of guys. My second tactical error……………….

After various Uni nights out when recovering in the morning we coined the phrase “It’s no way to live” when nursing whatever completely undeserved hangover had come our way, and that phase has been used to cover the day after our various adventures ever since.

Clive showing his charitable side bleached his hair for charity at uni.  Thinking that this would make him a hit with the women both for his charitable deeds and as a talking point he continued to bleach several times afterwards, still claiming it was for charity…………………………Although he still denies this to this day it is absolutely true…………………………………..   Ask the girls who went to the aforementioned PopTarts and they will tell you Clive raised money for everyone from Help the aged to Amnesty……………….

LATER AFTER UNI

After uni I ended up in Manchester for a short period and  visited Clive quite frequently in Leeds, where he was well set up in Headingly.

Clive, now without his beach blond hair weapon had realised living with five other guys (as he had at uni) was not ideal (too much competition)  and set himself up with our uni friends Rachel and Jo,  hoping their artistic licence and flexibility with the truth when selling Clive to their new friends would usher in a golden period in Clive’s success with women……………………….

Well it was worth a try Clive……………………..

SPORTING SUCCESS

One area where Clive has had success though is as a sportsman.  This started from a young age. I refer you to exhibit A  the envelope on your table……………………

God knows what he is doing there………………………..

Clive has recently run the mount Blanc Marathon…………………   He also ran the London marathon so quickly that by the time I got to the finish line after my lie in and a short  bike ride he had already finished the race. I did make it to the celebration meal though…………………………….

None of this sporting prowess happens by accident and Clive honed his fitness at David Lloyds gym and Tennis club.

What many of you won’t realise is that Clive has been married before………………………….

For many years Clive had a marriage of convenience with a 60 year old woman from his tennis club called Slyvia, as he worked out that couples memberships at David Lloyds were cheaper than two singles……………………

IS THIS relationships still going……………. Going to end now?

This wasn’t the only time the normally scrupulously honest Clive attempted to get a little bit extra from David Lloyd.  When I came down to visit we wanted to play tennis at his club but I didn’t have a pass at David Lloyds.  Clive had a cunning plan…………………………

He decided the best way to handle this was that I would use his pass to go in.  Shortly afterwards he would go to the counter explain he had forgotten his pass and in we would go…………………..  It was a plan without any flaws……………………

Except we failed to stagger our approach.  Not able to get the turnstile to work I was reduced to waiving the card at the woman behind the counter for her to let me in, whilst Clive arriving a little earlier than we had planned was stood next me explaining that he had forgotten his pass.

Although a common name…………………
the chances of two genuine Clive Bandy’s trying to get into David Lloyds at the same time seemed remote and we were well and truly busted………………………………

ADVICE FOR CLAIRE

Everyone should know that Clive is very in love with and protective of his Claire… sorry I mean his car!

Generally a good natured chap he gets very protective.

We were heading to LE MON with BEN and NOBBY the ushers from today and Clive reluctantly let me have a go at driving following a slick change over at the toll booths…………………

Wthin about 5 seconds of being in the drivers seat I floored it in first gear was quickly bouncing off the red line rev limiter with Clive in the passenger seat next to me……………………

Clive was not impressed.!! ……………………

Clive is still not impressed…………………….

Never drive his cars Claire, I think that’s the only rule.

ACCIDENT PRONE

The other thing we do know about Clive is that he is a little accident prone………………….

I’m told he busted his front teeth seven times as a child.  Sorry as a Golden child as Gemma tells me he was known in the Bandy household……………………..

A few years ago we arranged a Mountain biking trip in wales.  A number of people came and we staying in B+B’s and did a 26 mile off road mountain biking trail called the Red bull trail……………..

It was tough, and the trail would go from high speed descents to really rough off road very quickly………………..

Clive misjudged a decent. Realising that he was coming off and wanting to avoid another trip to the dentist he pushed as hard as he could against the bike to get clear of the rocks and ended up flying though the air.  I’ll never forget the sight of him trying and failing to catch a tree with his fingertips as he flew past it horizontally.

He missed the tree and ended up flying and rolling about 20 meters and came to rest by the edge of a cliff.  As usual he was unhurt…………………………….   The trail was renamed the Beast shortly afterwards…………………….

WIMBLEDON

One of the great things about being friends with Clive was that every now and again he would organise great trips and events.  Being a bit a tennis buff he used his couples membership with Slyvia to secure some centre court tickets for Nadal Vs Federer,  Presumably the marriage was on the rocks at this point a he took me rather than his other half.

As you all know Clive is really friendly and will talk to anyone.  We met about 20 people that day and somehow via the champagne tent ended up in the Swan in South London – a dodgy Irish bar for those of you who haven’t had a the pleasure – listening to a U2 tribute band and dancing until about 3am with our new friends.  It was a great day…………….

The next morning nursing a further hangover we agreed it was no way to live.

We also had a great holiday skiing in Austria with Paul Fineran.

We made a rule for a night out that you can’t drink it unless its on fire and never the same drink twice.  It incredible how many drinks you can set fire to when you set your mind to it.  And whilst Paul was on the dance floor educating the locals in the ways of the lawn-mower dance.    More of that from Paul when the dance floor opens……………………

Whilst Paul was on the dancefloor Clive applied himself to the challenge of setting fire to random drinks with great Gusto. The poor barman was having to explain why he couldn’t set fire to Austrian lager……………………….

It was no way to live

Clive and Claire’s relationship.

HISTORY OF CLAIRE AND CLIVE

At one of Clive’s famous summer house parties in 2005 I was talking to Jo Morton and Clive and Jo was actually fairly relentlessly telling Clive how he had punched far above his weight by getting together with a mysterious girl called Claire. I had never met Claire at this point, but Jo was laying this on thick. The basic gist was Claire was far to good for him and he should do whatever he could to keep hold of her……………….

Who was this goddess that Clive had somehow managed to pull against all the odds.  Well Jo obviously  hammered the message home well and somehow Clive has managed to keep hold of her.

I know a lot of people here are probably wondering just what does Claire see in Clive.    Well I have known him a long time and too be fair.I dont know either!

Seriously though the two of you look great together.  Claire you look stunning and Clive not too shabby mate well done.


Ok, I have a Couple of Telegrams ?

  “Clive and Claire, huge congats on your big day and wish we could be there to share it with you. Don’t let Clive take all the glory on the first dance and I hope his love of fast      cars didn’t see you leaving the church in a low red 2 seater Ferrari! Enjoy and have a drink or five for us!

Macca, Lydia and Mila…………….  Friend currently living in Australia.

RACHEL GIBBONS

Ok I give up I can’t do funny! Just tell them me and Matt are really gutted not to be there, hope they have an amazing day and that we look forward to celebrating their 1st anniversary with them when we’re back next year! Hope speech goes well – don’t lose the rings!!

 

Claire I was devastated to hear you are now off the market, but all the best for your future.   Kim Kardasian

Heartfelt

Always entertaining and relentlessly positive, Clive will make you feel better when you speak to him that before.   He has a great work ethic and will make you laugh………………………………………. sometimes intentionally……………………………….

Glyns and Bernard well done on raising Claire, Lionel and alfre you did what you could with the material on hand and the world knows your tried………………….

Clive to return to our old motto it was no way to live being single, and now you don’t have to live that way anymore……………. I wish you both a long marriage full of happiness.

Can everyone please be upstanding –  To the happy couple.!!!!