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Comic Speech #1

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Good afternoon ladies, gentleman, boys and girls! If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or even apprehensive, your either me (because I really am) or you just married Robert Wheeler!

 

Where can you even begin to discuss a man that has come from such humble beginnings, a man who like a shooting star is rising quickly to the very top of his profession? How do you mention how he has achieved this purely through his own intelligence, grit and the ability to go that extra mile and push through where others have fallen? what can you say about a man who distinguishes himself at the very highest level amongst his peers, of whom no one can utter a bad word?

 

But enough about me, what I’m really here for this afternoon is to talk about Robert Wheeler.

 

Are we all having a good time? Don’t worry about this speech, I read somewhere that a good best man speech shouldn’t take any longer than it takes the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen – I give you Mr and Mrs Wheeler. (Take drink and sit down).

 

Just joking I’m not going to speak too long today because of my throat (give a little cough) if I go on too long Sheryl has threatened to cut it!

 

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, the reason I’m stood up here now is because Rob picked me, David as the best man. So what defines a best man’s duties? I decided to do some research on it and one site I found broadly described the best man duties as being – And I quote:

 

“At the reception the best man should help keep things running smoothly by offering around drinks and introducing people”.

 

I for one have no objections for the socialising part but at £3.50 a pint I would remind everyone that the hip flask I smuggled in will only just about stretch around the top table. So my apologies for that!

 

Thanks You’s

 

OK, so now the introductions are out the way it’s time for some thank you’s.

 

Firstly, can I just direct your attention towards the bridesmaid Paula who I think we can all agree looks gorgeous today, lets have a round of applause for her!

 

I’d also like to thank the ushers Jason and Steve for turning up sober. I know Rob had a dilemma when trying to select a couple of guys to do the hugely difficult task of telling people where to sit in church!

 

Robert and Sheryl have also asked me to thank all the staff at here for all their hard work and ensuring today went as smoothly as possible. It really has been a wonderful day.

 

I have been asked to thank you all for coming and the gifts that you have so generously donated… I personally had a hard time trying to decide what to get, I wanted to give Rob something he genuinely needed, but it’s such a struggle to wrap a bath!

 

And last but certainly not least, I would like to thank Sheryl. Obviously the deserving focus of our attention today, who am sure you will agree is as graceful and beautiful as an angel…Sheryl you look like one in a million. Rob, you on the other hand look like you were won in a raffle!

 
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Lead in to Stories

 

I think that many a man (and maybe even some women) in the room will agree with me when I say today is a sad sad day for us all, knowing that a woman like Sheryl is now offically off the market.

 

And Rob looks ok doesn’t he, he’s obviously tried his best, but I also think that many a lady in the room will all also agree with me when I say that today has just really passed without a ripple!

 

I note however that some of you have been surprised by how calm and collected Rob has seemed today – he seemed to have avoided the wedding day jitters totally.  However. That’s probably because none of you got to see him at 8:00 o”clock this morning lying bedraggled on his bed, with his mum lovingly rubbing his back trying to get him to eat just one more spoonful of sugar puffs.

 

So lets talk about Rob:

 

I can honestly say, hand on heart, that in all the years I’ve known Rob, no one has ever questioned his intelligence. Actually, I’ve never heard anyone even come close to mentioning it! I’ll give you some examples.

 

His mum informs me he was a slow starter, at nursery he was different from all the other 4 year olds, he was 11.

 

I remember one time we walked past McDonalds in Truro, there was a sign in the window saying Free Big Mac, I pointed this out to Rob and he asked “why what did he do?”.

 

Before I formally start Rob’s character assassination I thought I had better get some clearance from Sheryl. Unfortunately this thought didn’t occur to me till about 10 mins ago when she advised me of my do‘s and donts. She said:

 

Don’t mention ex-girlfriends

Don’t tell lies
Don’t swear
Don’t tell risqué jokes
Do tell mostly positive stories about the groom throw away 5 cards

 

Stories

 

I decided then that it was unfair to use just my opinion so I decided that it might be a good idea to ask people what they thought of Rob.

 

1. Firstly Rob work colleagues. There are a few dotted around the place today – Hands up those here who have worked with Rob?? Well Rob you will be please to know that they unanimously referred to you as godlike…..When I asked them to qualify this they said – they never see you, you make up your own rules and if you do any work, it’s a bloody miracle

 

2. Secondly I asked Rob’s long suffering brother Steve who described Rob as being a great older brother who over the years has been thoughtful, kind, understanding and generous. Having known the Wheeler foundation for most of my life, I can vouch for this as Steve and I would never have had so many nights out if Rob hadn’t constantly been subbing one or the other of us with beer money!

 

However – Steve did mention one key incident from his childhood when he was revising for his GCSE exams. Steve claims he had spent a long hard night revising and had made copious notes in preparation for an English Literature exam on Monday morning. Having worked hard on the Sunday night Steve packed up his books and notes and left them in an orderly pile on his bedroom floor to go into his school bag in the morning. Unfortunately Steve had failed to take into account his ‘responsible’ older brother – Rob, who having returned from a night on the razz and in desperate need of the loo, mistook Steve’s Shakespeare homework as the family lavatory and proceeded to give them a jolly good dousing!

 

3. Thirdly I consulted my own experiences and friendship with Rob. I am sure Rob’s competitive edge is well know, he likes to think of himself as some sort of modern day Jesse Owens who is capable of winning gold medals in whatever he does. I can give you two examples of this:

a. One of the things Rob and I had in common from when we first met was our love of Bruce Springsteen. I think we were both brought up on a diet of thunder road and born to run. This love of Bruce soon turned into a competitive edge when we began texting each other various lines from obscure songs and asking for the track from which they came. I then upped the ante by leaving voicemail on Rob’s phone singing various tracks which were not necessarily confined to Bruce’s back catalogue. Pretty soon it became a bit of a laugh to sing obscure songs onto each others voicemail to take up credit to listen to it.

I always used to feel when listening to Rob’s renditions that he was taking his own voice a little too seriously. When I mentioned this to Rob, he didn’t agree. So I thought I would bring a recording along tonight for you to judge for yourselves…….

Play recording from phone!!!

 

b. His competitiveness on the snooker table where he is renowned for refusing to lose a frame. He likes to think his game is reminiscent of the great Alex Higgins and Jimmy White where he is sweeping all before him in a flurry of screw shots and complicated crowd pleasing. Rob – I’m sorry to have to bring you back to reality but your game is more comparable to the equally great Dennis Taylor. That is to say that most people would agree that a big pair of glasses would no doubt improve your performance around the table, they could hardly make it any worse. With that in mind I would like to present you with this small gift from the boys at the local snooker club.

Finally – Some Advice

 

Obviously one best man duty meant that I was with Rob last night on his last night of freedom and I have spent much of the last month in his company chatting about how much of a good husband he will be to you Sheryl.

Last night I as we were talking I asked him what it was he wanted from his marriage, he said, “well, I want to be a model husband and I want to be a model citizen.” And he added with a cheeky grin that he also wanted to be a model lover!! Being the naïve chap that I am, I looked up “model” in the dictionary it said:

“a small, miniature replica of the real thing”!!!

 

Sheryl: Remember men are like tiled floors……………………………….. Lay them right first time and you can spend years walking all over them.

 

Rob: Firstly set the ground rules and establish whose boss…………. Then do
everything Sheryl says.

 
And (I’m sure you will all be pleased to hear )– In conclusion:

 

I spent the last month worrying about this speech, the point of it only came to me yesterday and that is: Nobody else could possibly stand where I am at this moment and feel more proud and honoured than me to be able to represent Rob on this – the most important day of his life.

Webster’s dictionary defines
“union” as an agreement and conjunction of mind, spirit, will, and affections.

 
[wp_ad_camp_1] When I think of Rob and Sheryl’s marriage, I think of a creation of harmony between their intelligent minds, their indelible spirits. I look forward to being a part of their lives and having them both as a part of my life for many many years to come.

 

On behalf of the entire wedding party I would like to thank you all
for coming to share in this wonderful occasion.

 

To Mr and Mrs Wheeler