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Comic Speech #4 (template)

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I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the fifth time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand. Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out on anything.

May I start by thanking Mike on behalf of the Bridesmaids’, _________________________ for his kind words. I’d also like to add my own compliments to Emma, who I think you’ll agree looks absolutely stunning today! And after last night’s festivities, we haven’t done a bad job on Mike either, thanks to some hard work this morning from the beauticians. For those who don’t know me, my name is ‘Dave what‐would‐you‐like‐to‐drink’. I hope as many of you will come and say hello at the bar later – but I do insist you use my full name.

When Mike asked me to be his best man, I felt honoured, I felt nervous, I felt distinguished, I was privileged Mike, Mike I was petrified. It’s the first time I’ve had the been asked to be a best man, it’s the first time I’ve ever been here to the ___________________ [location of the reception], it’s the first time that Mike has complimented me in over ________________________ [number of years known the groom] years, but best of all it’s the first time Mike ever paid for dinner.

So, Mike, born _____________________[Grooms D.O.B], This is your life. Incidentally you were born the same day as_____________________________ [famous persons name], and the year in which we were introduced to __________________________ [famous hit song] and ______________________________________[Famous T.V or Movie] Were any of these an influence on how Mike turned out? I’ll leave that up to you to decide. [explain How did you meet the Groom, and what type of person he was]

Mike worked hard at university and came away with his degree in _________[Grooms Degree], and many stories about student life in ________________[Grooms university of College], none of which I can include today for legal reasons.
[Little known story about the Groom] [Little known story about the Groom #2] I was speaking to ___________________[Grooms Father or Friend] whilst we were waiting for Emma to arrive the church this morning, and he was telling me that when Mike and Emma started going to his marriage preparation classes, he wasn’t always sure if Mike was really ready marriage.

There was one time when Mike was asked, ‘What is Emma’s favourite flower?’ To which he had no hesitation in replying, ‘Self Raising!’ ‘What makes a good wife?’ ‘One who helps her husband with the washing up!’ And, ‘What’s the last thing you’ll say to you wife before going to sleep?’ ‘It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway’ I’ve also spoken to some of Mike’s work colleagues who tell me that his nickname at work is ‘The God’, its true, apparently he makes his own rules and if he does any work it’s usually a miracle. And when I asked Emma last week to describe Mike in one word, it took no time at all for her to come back with an answer……..’Perfectionist’, everything has to be right, but not just right it has to be absolutely spot on…Else he starts again. So much so, that when Mike recently painted the living room skirting boards, it took no less than 7 coats of paint until he was happy.

And who else do you know that takes a ruler into the bathroom every morning. [Pull out ruler] Yes it’s true I’ve seen it when I used to live with him. But why would you need a rule in the bathroom? Well in Mike’s case it is to make sure his sidies are exactly the same length and cut perfectly straight………………..So ladies, if you see ever your man taking a ruler into the
bathroom in future, it isn’t because he’s a little paranoid, he’s just been taking tips from the Mike school of hair dressing.

[little known story about the Groom] Now traditionally I have to offer Mike some advice. So, never be complacent, always keep an eye out for those little tell tale signs in your relationship……….like if you see that the milkman’s wearing your socks …Or the postman starts calling round on a Sunday. Emma you must remember, men are like fine wines, they start out as grapes and it is your job to stamp on them until they mature into something that you would like to have after dinner. Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today:

Dear Mike,
Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you’ve made the right choice. Love Michael Barrymore.
Dear Emma, It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we’ll have to call it a day now you’re married. From Brad Pitt

So to wrap up, I’d just like to say, Mike, thank you for giving me the opportunity to enlighten all you family and friends here today. All that leaves me to do now is to ask you all to be upstanding and join me in wishing Mike and Emma all the best as they enter married life together. So please raise your glasses to:
‘THE BRIDE AND GROOM’.