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Comic Speech #5

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Right, so where do I start! What the hell took them so long?

Before we get to the ritual character assassination of the groom that forms the basis of a traditional best man’s speech I would like to thank Paul for his kind words about the bridesmaids who of course looked gorgeous and did a fantastic job.

It was a great honour to be asked by Paul to be his best man on this important day in his life.

I wanted to do the job justice so I decided some research was needed so I turned to the internet.

I set out to search for information on the responsibilities of the best man along with some hints and tips but as anyone who has used the internet will know, it is very easy to get side tracked especially when the wife’s out I am told by my married friends. Anyway after being side tracked for few hours I got back to my research on best man type things.

Joking aside I did find some interesting stuff on continental drift. I know you didn’t come here for a lecture on plate tectonics and geography but this is interesting stuff.

Apparently the continents of Europe and America are moving towards each other at a rate of about 5 cms a year. Now this is very slow progress. Scientists have actually created a scale to measure things that move very slowly known as the Paul scale as it based on the time it has taken him to make an honest woman of Ria!

Actually when Paul asked me to be best man my first thought was bloody hell I need to make a speech. What am I going to talk about?

My research told me that my speech should involve some humorous stories at the groom’s expense, well character assassination really.

I once went to a wedding and the best man stood up and explained how the groom being a man who had led a chaste and quiet life had given him very little juicy material for off colour and racy stories to fill his best man’s speech.

Well the good news is that is not the case with Paul….. the bad news is that I have so much material we could be here for some time so I hope you are all sitting comfortably and have no pressing engagements for a few hours.

No of course I am only kidding…………. I do have plenty material but 90% of it’s not fit for public consumption…. There was the cast of the ladyboys of Bangkok, the goat….

I know a lot of people here are probably wondering just what does Ria see in Paul?

Well I have known him a long time and too be fair….I don’t know either!

It could be his work ethic. We first met when we were both reps flogging carpet.

Paul used to make numerous trips to Wigan and back. This wasn’t actually to visit customers but rather because he was at home most of the time but needed to put some miles on the car to at least make it looked like he did some work.

Paul now works as a training consultant.

He showed some early promise in this field by training Ria to answer the phone to the boss and always tell him Paul had left the house hours ago despite still being in bed.

Despite this unusual approach to selling Paul was very successful. He was guest of honour at a distributor annual awards do. I am sure it was just a misunderstanding that led to a night as a guest of the Greater Manchester constabulary! I believe a drink had been taken.

So to get back to the question, just what does Ria see in Paul… probably not the work ethic then…maybe his romantic nature?

As anyone who knows Paul and Ria knows they like travel, in fact they have visited so many far off places so often they have a bigger carbon footprint than Alan Wicker. Scientists have estimated they are personally responsible for about 15% of global warming and the submerging of some low lying islands!

They have visited many places including Rome The Vatican City , Venice St Marks Square the Doges Palace, The Bridge of Sighs, Las Vegas The strip, The Bilagio Hotel, New York Carriage rides through Central Park, The Empire State Building, some very romantic places. Ideal for a proposal of marriage you may think.

Well that may be true but Paul chose something else, he chose something altogether less salubrious though he maintains just as romantic, ********’s cabaret club and fish and chip restaurant in Las Americas, Tenerife, I am not saying it is rough…actually I really am not saying it is rough because if the owners find out they would probably have me shot!

So not the Work ethic or Romance, I guess it will have to remain, like why men have nipples and women go to the toilet in pairs …. One of life’s great mysteries.

Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life.

Well she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.

To be truthful Paul and Ria have shared many romantic moments I would like you to both share one with us all here today.

Ria please can you put your right/left hand flat on the table and Paul please can you place yours on top of it.

Marvellous, I would like you to remember and treasure this moment forever….the last time you will have the upper hand Paul.

On a more serious note I have known both Paul and Ria for many years and value their friendship immensely. Paul has always been a great friend and they have both always been there whenever I have needed them.

I would also like to thank Ria for countless Sunday lunches and use of the spare bedroom despite leading her husband from the path of righteousness on occasion.

I know rolling in at 3.30 in the morning and waking you up wasn’t funny but at the time it did seem so and I know as an understanding wife there will be many such occasions in the future…or not as the case may be.

It has been a privilege knowing you both and I feel both your families have become almost like a second family to me. I have got to know all your kids. Paul’s mum and dad and Ria’s late father Simon who I am sure would have been very happy to see how beautiful she looks today.

Before I finish I have a couple of messages to read out from people who couldn’t be here today.

Paul’s son Ben couldn’t be here today and sends his best wishes, I think the only person more disappointed than Ben about him not being here is the guy that has to fight him in the cage later tonight.

There is also a card from those guys from the Lymm Cricket club. It says, ‘Paul was useless in all positions but we hope Ria has more luck with him later’ not sure what that means but anyway…

Ladies and gentlemen I would like you all to be upstanding etc etc