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Comic Speech #7

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Good Afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don’t know me I’m Mike and I’m the best man.

 

For those of you that can understand Geordie I’m hoping this will be an enjoyable speech, if you cant……… then this will be the longest 10 minutes of your life.

 

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings, a man who is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the will power to push on where others have fallen. A man who is beginning to distinguish himself at the very highest level amongst his peers, and where none can say a bad word against him? But enough about me, what I’m really here for this afternoon is to talk about Daniel Skill.

 

Unaccustomed to public speaking as I am, I have been fairly nervous before today’s speeches, however Dan was very good and took me aside to help calm me, he said if I did a really good job and went easy on him, I could be the best man at his next wedding.

 

Seriously though and more importantly, I’d like to start off by congratulating the happy couple, Daniel and Jane. Any of us here like me who has been lucky enough to spend time in their company knows what a great couple they are together, perfectly complementing each other.

 

When I first met Jane my impression was of a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person.
But she soon ruined this by agreeing to marry Daniel.

 

Speaking of Jane, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …Dan likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of the kitchen.

 

Daniel truly is a lucky man today. Jane is a wonderful girl, and she deserves a great husband…Thank God you married her before she had a chance to find one!

 

Actually, while enjoying the service this afternoon, I couldn’t help thinking that it’s funny how history repeats itself. I mean 30 years ago Jane’s family were sending her to bed with a dummy…….. and here they are again today.

 

I’d also like to thank everyone on their behalf for coming, sharing and witnessing their marriage day – I can only guess how nervous the bride and groom felt this morning.

 

Having been told the official news that I was to be Dan’s best man I went ahead and purchased a book, in fact I actually got about three. After panic buying in Waterstones, the one I decided would be my bible for the event was called ”the duties of the best man.” Unfortunately, I got through just a few pages and wasn’t too sure if it was the best choice after reading the following, and I quote:

 

“At the reception the best man should help keep things running smoothly by offering a round of drinks and introducing people”.

So according to this, I should be buying you all a round of drinks…. you can see why I gave up on that one!

 

Regrettably I did not pick it up again until last night and even then I only started flicking through a couple more pages. It has a list of do’s and don’ts for the speech, which rather narrowed down my options.

 

Don’t mention ex-girlfriends

 

<throw away card>

 

Don’t swear

 

<throw away card>

 

Don’t tell rude jokes

 

<throw away card>

 

Don’t tell lies

 

<throw away card>

 

<throw away card>

 

<throw away card>

 

Do tell mostly positive stories about the groom

 

<throw away card>

 

<throw away card>

 

<throw away card>

 

<throw away card>

 

<throw away card>

 

So where do I start with Daniel?

 

Well for starters he’s…

 

Handsome
Witty
Intelligent
He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry…Dan …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you can tell me the rest later.

 

But seriously Dan, the lads here have asked me to thank you on their behalf for what is a great honour for at last getting to live out their lifelong dreams of dressing up like Laurence Llewellyn Bowen in public!

 

At this point its also customary for me to thank bridesmaids. They completed their main job admirably, which was getting Jane here on time – no mean feat as I understand she put up quite a struggle. <Pause>

 

On a personal note I’d also like to thank the bridesmaids all of whom look radiant I think we’d all agree, I’ve also overheard them arguing all day about which one of them was to have the pleasure of being the first to dance with me. All I can say is ….. look, one of you has to!!

 

I thought It best to ask around to see what some of Dan’s friends and family would say about him:

 

His colleagues describe him as a first class banker – I may have misheard them.

 

Some other words you could use to describe Daniel are: charming, intelligent, and entertaining…but nobody said those, so I won’t use them.

 

He was once described as arrogant, conceited, insensitive and selfish…and let’s face it, if anyone would know him, it would be his mum. Speaking of mum, she informed me the day that changed her life was the 16th July 1974…….You see on that day mum had a small win on the pools………..No, that was the day young Dan was born, 12 full hours in labour, complete and utter agony for mum, and nothing much has changed since.

 

I’ve got some words of advice on marriage for you here Daniel:

 

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!

To help the course of true love run smoothly never forget those three very important words you must say every day……. “you’re right dear.”

 

Also it is very important to get on with your mother-in-law, a friend of mine hasn’t spoken to his in two years, not because he doesn’t like her, he just doesn’t like to interrupt!

 

 

 

Toast

 

I’d like to finish up by saying what a great honour it’s been to be Dan’s best man today, I’m glad he’s finally admitted that I am the better man!

 

So then, Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to Daniel and Jane, we wish them well for the future, and may they enjoy a long and happy marriage.