Best Man Speech Jokes & Funny One Liners

It always settles the nerves when you get a laugh so here’s a few best man speech jokes and one liners to give you a bit of inspiration. You will obviously have your own style and sense of humour so you may wish to adapt or not use at all! Hopefully they give you a bit of food for thought for the wedding day.

How to use these jokes

Don’t read them all out. Nobody wants to hear all of them, and the groom’s nan definitely doesn’t.

• Swap the names. [Groom] and [Bride] are placeholders, and some of the older jokes use example names. Put your lot in.
• Pick three to six. Spread them through the speech. Five in a row is a stand-up set, and you’re not getting paid.
• Bolt on something real. A stock joke with a true detail about the groom gets a much bigger laugh than the same joke told straight.
• Say it out loud first. Try it on someone who isn’t in the wedding party. If they wince, the room will too.
• Know your audience. A few of these are cheeky. If you wouldn’t say it in front of the groom’s mum, cut it.

Opening lines and introductions

1. Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, your either me (because I am) or you just married Mark Owen.
2. Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history. The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us.
3. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Matt. I have been Tim’s mate for 2 days now, he found my advert on a website as he hasn’t got many friends so had to hire someone for the day.
4. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Ollie and for those of you that do … well I apologise. My full name is actually ‘Ollie would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.
5. You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles.. It’s a great honour but you don’t really want to do it!
6. Then, having duly accepted the honour, I spent a long time wondering how to describe Chris – with the respect due to a man on his wedding day; how to strike the right tone of sincerity, praise and warmth. You see, Chris is a man who truly defies description. I could speak for an hour about him (don’t worry, I’m not going to) and when I’d finished we’d be no closer to grasping the essential essence of my very dear friend… And yet, miraculously, he can be very neatly summed up with a single, internationally recognised hand gesture.
7. The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
8. When [Groom] asked me to be his best man, I was genuinely touched. Then he told me his first three choices had all been on a night out with him, and politely declined.
9. Good afternoon, everyone. I’ve been best man for eight months now, and I can confirm the job is mostly answering WhatsApps about trouser lengths.
10. I’ve got a few notes here. [Groom]’s mum has already been through them with a red pen, so I’ll just read you what’s left. [Hold up a blank card.]

Jokes about nerves and the speech itself

11. I read somewhere that a best man speech shouldn’t take any longer than it takes the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen – I give you Mr and Mrs Owen. (Take drink and sit down).
12. My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
13. I heard there was a sweep stake on the length of the best mans speech. I just went for 35 minutes – so settle in…….
14. No seriously this speech will be a bit like Clive short and not very funny…..
15. I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
16. I am actually a little nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience at the local old peoples home, … I think it went well, they all peed themselves anyway.
17. I can only say in my defence that Mike and I share a common sense of humour so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Mike.”
18. Firstly I’d just like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
19. Unaccustomed to public speaking as I am, I have been fairly nervous before today’s speeches, however Gav was very good and took me aside to help calm me, he said if I did a really good job and went easy on him, I could be the best man at his next wedding.
20. Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out on anything.
21. Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …
22. Don’t worry my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. Sarah has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And Tom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the stag weekend in Dublin.
23. I did ask ChatGPT to write this speech for me. It said it couldn’t find enough nice things to say about [Groom], so I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.
24. I’ll keep this short. [Bride] has the running order, the bar has its shutters on a timer, and [Groom]’s nan has a stopwatch and nothing to lose.

Jokes about the groom

25. Mark has always been a bit of a hypochondriac but I think he learned his lesson during exam time when he took a sleeping tablet and a laxative in the same night. That was a messy one!
26. Well, what can I tell you about the groom? I’ve know him for about 10 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic..sorry, wrong wedding.
27. Nobody ever seems to pay the Groom a compliment, I think you’ll all agree Mike is also looking pretty good. For those of you who don’t know Mike is actually one of the hairiest men in Britain, with that in mind I’d like to thank the staff at Chester Zoo’s Ape and Monkey House on Mike’s behalf for their help in getting him ready for today.
28. I decided to look up Dan’s date of birth on the Internet to see what momentous events took place on his birthday. Unfortunately nothing much seems to have happened. Although the nurses on the ward where Dan was born still refer to that day as Ugly Thursday!
29. So where do I start with Marc? Well for starters he’s…Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry…Marc …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you can tell me the rest later.
30. There was one time when Mike was asked, ‘What is Emma’s favourite flower?’ To which he had no hesitation in replying, ‘Self Raising!’ ‘What makes a good wife?’ ‘One who helps her husband with the washing up!’ And, ‘What’s the last thing you’ll say to you wife before going to sleep?’ ‘It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway’
31. I’ve also spoken to some of Mike’s work colleagues who tell me that his nickname at work is ‘The God’, its true, apparently he makes his own rules and if he does any work it’s usually a miracle.
32. Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff from ebay, amazon and I want one of those dot com. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until he overheard someone say the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.
33. So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where no‐one can say a bad word against him? Anyway that’s enough about me. I’m here to talk about Dave.
34. For those of you on the Bride’s side who are just getting to know him; here is some advice. Never let him date a member of your family.
35. His colleagues describe him as a first class banker – I may have misheard them.
36. When he was younger, Al was so lazy he had a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
37. When Jon left home, his mum said: “Don’t forget to write.” Being the smart arse he is, he said: “That’s unlikely – it’s a basic skill isn’t it?”
38. I saw Dave wearing a sweatshirt once with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Women problems?’
39. [Groom] has never been great with directions, which explains why it took him six years and a satnav called [Bride] to find his way to the altar.
40. [Groom] has had the same haircut since 2009. He calls it a classic. His barber calls it a cry for help.
41. [Groom] has his own five-second rule for replying to [Bride]’s texts. Five working days.
42. He’s been going to the gym religiously in the run-up to the wedding. As in, about as often as he goes to church.

Jokes about the groom’s past

43. Stuart’s had some dodgy girlfriends over the years. I never forget a face but in their case I’d be glad to make an exception
44. But I do think you owe me some thanks too Sarah.. For it was part of my extensive list of duties on this amazing day… To keep Simon’s ex Girlfriends away… Although I must admit Ladies and Gentleman… That I did get some help on that… from the recent foot and mouth outbreak…
45. Before Gav met Sue he always took life with a pinch of salt…plus a lemon, and a shot of tequila.
46. Now, before Marc met Helen, it would be fair to say his taste was somewhat questionable. I remember one girl in Magaluf…well I never forget a face, but in this case I had to make an exception.
47. Before [Bride] came along, [Groom]’s love life was a lot like his dating profile: short, slightly exaggerated, and mostly photos of other people’s dogs.

Jokes for a brother of the groom

48. As [Groom]’s brother, I’ve had a front-row seat for his entire life. So first of all, [Bride], I’d like to apologise for not warning you sooner.
49. Growing up, we shared everything: a bedroom, a bunk bed and, for one regrettable summer, a curtain haircut.
50. Mum always said I’d be grateful for a little brother one day. Mum, today’s the day. He’s officially someone else’s problem.
51. This is the first time in [X] years he’s let me talk about him without threatening to tell Mum.

Jokes about the bride, the couple and marriage

52. Well, I do hope that Howard and Mary enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway… When I asked Howard what he was doing after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight…
53. During the service today I couldn’t help thinking its funny how history repeats itself, I mean it was 30 years ago David and Pam were sending their daughter to bed with a dummy………and it’s happening all over again today.
54. Apparently the continents of Europe and America are moving towards each other at a rate of about 5 cms a year. Now this is very slow progress. Scientists have actually created a scale to measure things that move very slowly known as the Sam Davies scale as it based on the time it has taken him to make an honest woman of Sam!
55. John did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Jane did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes.
56. On their first date, Sam took Julie to dinner at one of the poshest restaurants in [location]. All was going splendidly and Sam was delighted when Julie asked him seductively after the main course, if he would like some a little sweeter to follow. Blushing he said, “Oh yes please…” Julie, finding Sam to be the well-mannered chap that he is, said “It’s okay, you needn’t be so polite”, to which he replied “oh, well, in that case, yes please….you, you cow!”
57. Also, during my research on the internet I also looked into weddings in general, I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself: ‐
    The Aisle ‐ it’s the longest walk you’ll ever take
    The Alter ‐ the place where two become one
    The Hymn ‐ the celebration of marriage
    I think Sarah must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I’m sure I heard her whisper Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn. “I’ll alter him”
58. Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life. Well she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.
59. On Richards first date with Ally he thought he’d make an impression, and promised her a seven course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack!
60. I spoke to both Sally and Pete before the Wedding and I asked Paul what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.”
    When I asked Sally the same question – she replied – A coffee percolator!
    Well, she actually said a “perky populator” but I knew what she meant
61. Speaking of Jane, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …Dan likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of the kitchen.
62. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!
63. [Groom] and [Bride] met on Hinge. For the older guests, that’s a bit like the village dance, except you can turn someone down without having to look them in the eye. (Swap in however they actually met.)
64. [Bride], you’ve married a man who will always be there for you. Mostly on the sofa. Usually holding the remote.
65. My advice to [Groom] for a long and happy marriage comes down to two words: “You’re right.” And [Bride], my advice to you: keep the receipt.
66. They say marriage is all about compromise. [Groom] has already compromised on the house, the honeymoon, the dog’s name and, judging by that waistcoat, today’s outfit.

Prop jokes and stage tricks

67. You’ll need a prop for this one – a heavy stack of cue cards that might be used as memory joggers for your speech.
    “I caught up with Martin’s mum earlier and she told me that I wasn’t to mention any of the incidents with his ex-girlfriend [pause and put a third of the cue cards on the table], alcohol, [pause and put the second third of the cue cards on the table] or the police… [put the remaining cards down and start to gently whistle to yourself]…well that’s that then!”
68. Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today:
    Dear Mike,
    Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you’ve made the right choice. Love Michael Barrymore.
    Dear Emma, It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we’ll have to call it a day now you’re married. From Brad Pitt
69. What are these you ask yourselves – well they’re Tom’s Chastity pants. [Hold up boxer shorts & padlock] Sarah has been making him wear these for the past four years keeping his crown jewels securely under lock and key. She thought that only one key had been made. But rumour has it that copies were made of this key by Tom and he has been giving these keys out to various ladies over the past few years without Sarah knowing. If anyone out there has any of these keys could we please have them back in now as Tom is married and completely out of bounds to any girl but Sarah. [Wait for keys to come back in, after being given out strategically to men, aunts etc] You dark horse Tom!

Jokes about the wedding day, guests and thank-yous

70. It has been a very emotional day ……..as some of you must have noticed that even the cake is in tiers.
71. There is an unwritten rule of wedding etiquette that states that nobody should look more handsome than the groom and I’d like to thank our ushers Dave and Parry for sticking to that rule to the letter. I’m not quite sure that saying “You’ll sit where you’re ruddy well put” was really in the spirit of the day, but we’ll let that pass.
72. I’d also like to congratulate Keith on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.
73. Leading up to today John and Jane were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there.
    So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of Jane and John thank‐you very much for the teaspoons
74. I was really hoping the hot weather would last until today and I’m so glad it has. I know a number of people have been having difficulty sleeping. I was chatting to Michelle earlier and she told me about a conversation between her and Richard earlier this week. Apparently Rich got out of the shower and said “Honey, it’s just too hot to wear clothes today. What do you think the neighbours will say if I mow the lawn naked?” Michelle replied: “That I’m marrying you for your money.”
75. Somebody said earlier it was the hottest day of the year. I said, I don’t think so, that’s Sun-day.
76. It’s a scorcher today isn’t it, ladies and gents? It’s so hot even Dave seems cool.
77. A big thank you to the photographer, who’s been looking for [Groom]’s good side since ten o’clock this morning. Keep going, mate. We believe in you.
78. Thank you to the venue, who have been brilliant all day, and to the bar staff, who are about to find out what [Groom]’s family are really like.

Closing lines and the toast

79. I’ll finish with something [Groom] has never once managed on a night out: an early exit.
80. That’s all from me. [Bride], he’s all yours now. Sold as seen.
81. Please be upstanding. Uncle [Name], you’ve been standing at the bar since three o’clock, so you’re excused. (Check he’s in on it first.)
82. So please raise your glasses, or your sixth glass if you’re on table four, to the happy couple.
83. Right, the bar’s open, the band’s ready and [Groom]’s mum has her dancing shoes on, so let’s not keep any of them waiting. To [Bride] and [Groom]!

How to write a best man speech with jokes

The jokes are the seasoning, not the meal. What people remember is a good story about the groom, and the jokes are what get you there without the room nodding off.

1. Open on yourself. A joke at your own expense in the first thirty seconds settles your nerves and gets the room on side. Anything from the openers or the nerves section will do the job.
2. Then the groom. Two or three proper stories, with a joke or two hung on each. A one-liner about his haircut lands harder straight after a story that proves it.
3. Then the couple. Ease off the roasting. One joke about the two of them, then something kind about the bride.
4. The thank-yous. Bridesmaids, hosts and anyone who’s paid for anything. A quick gag here stops it sounding like the end credits.
5. The sincere bit, then the toast. Thirty seconds of meaning it, then a closing line that gets everyone on their feet.

Aim for four to six minutes, which is roughly 600 to 800 words. Leave a beat after each punchline. It’s easy to rush straight into the next line and trample your own laugh. For more on the delivery side, see our guides on how to be funny and conquering the nerves, or the full best man speech guide.

Jokes to avoid (and why)

• Exes by name. The groom’s-past jokes above stay vague for a reason. Someone at table six went to school with her.
• Anything the bride doesn’t already know. A wedding speech is not the place to break news.
• The full stag do story. A hint gets a bigger laugh than the details, and it keeps you on speaking terms with both families.
• In-jokes. If only five people will get it, tell it to those five at the bar.
• The bride’s looks, weight or family. Not even as a compliment with a twist. You can’t win that one.
• Anything filthy. Cheeky is fine. There are kids, grandparents and quite possibly a vicar in the room.

Best man speech quotes

A quote at the end of the speech makes you look well read, even if the last book you finished had pictures in it. By the time you get to the toast the room has warmed to you, so they are ready for a bit of wisdom. Borrow one of these and swap in your own couple.

84. [Groom], my best friend, some words of advice in the form of a wise old poem. To keep a marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, when you are wrong, admit it, and when you are right, shut up. To [Groom] and [Bride].
85. Before I offer a toast to [Groom] and [Bride], I’d like to leave you with one thought: you don’t marry someone you can live with, you marry someone you can’t live without. In this case, these two really have married the right person. To the bride and groom.
86. Here’s to the two things that, without doubt, make a great marriage. Here’s to a good sense of humour, and selective hearing. Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom.
87. I’d like to end by toasting the bride and groom. But just before I do, I’d like to cite some lyrics from a song written many years ago which I believe are still meaningful today. [Speak the words, with no tune.] She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And with a love like that, you know you should be glad. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the bride and groom.
88. To finish with some words from the bard: ‘Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.’ So, you two, I hope your marriage is full of intermittent drizzle, followed by days of blistering heat. To the bride and groom.
89. I’d like to round off now with the words of a wiser man than I, Timothy Titcomb, who said ‘The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman’s heart.’ This couldn’t be more true when I look at [Groom] and [Bride]. Ladies and gentlemen, to the bride and groom.
90. In closing, I’d like to leave you with a traditional African saying: ‘May your love be like the misty rain, gentle coming in but flooding the river.’ Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom.
91. St Augustine once said ‘Inasmuch as love grows in you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul.’ It may be old, but I’m sure you’ll agree it’s still relevant today, and none more so than with [Groom] and [Bride]. Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in one last toast, to the bride and groom, those most beautiful souls, [Groom] and [Bride].
92. A wise man by the name of Antoine de Saint-Exupery once said ‘Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.’ Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the bride and groom.
93. I’d like to end with a quote from the poet Kahlil Gibran, who said ‘Marriage is like a golden ring in a chain, whose beginning is a glance and whose ending is an eternity.’ Today we celebrate that marriage. Please join me in one final toast, to the bride and groom, [Groom] and [Bride].
94. Walt Whitman, the American poet, once said of marriage ‘The strongest and sweetest songs yet remain to be sung.’ Here’s to the start of even sweeter times, here’s to the bride and groom. To [Groom] and [Bride].
95. Nikki Giovanni, the poet and writer, once said ‘We love because it’s the only true adventure.’ Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses, and let’s drink to adventure. To [Groom] and [Bride].
96. And now all I have left to do is to say what a privilege it is to ask everyone here to charge their glasses and, for those of you who still can, to rise to your feet. Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom.

Don’t forget, you can draw from our extensive Best Man Speech section including a free range of example best man speeches, how to be funny and advice for the groom. We’ve also provided you with a stag do price comparison section and lots of stag do ideas.