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Comic Speech #2

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Hi my name is Paul and Neil has asked me to be his best man for this wonderful occasion. I would like to say it is a very special honour but with it, comes the responsibility of giving the bloody speech. I would not say it is very comfortable to wear a tuxedo in a 30-degree church, which is not air-conditioned. The church ceremony I’m sure you’ll all agree was a wonderful, wonderful occasion. Maybe a little hot, but I’m glad to see so many of you have replaced your electrolytes with fuel of the alcoholic kind since the reception began.

I have known Neil and Claire for_________ [how many years] years. You might say Neil and I met by accident, but it is no accident that Neil met Claire.
If you know Neil you know he is an excellent athlete, in fact I noticed his Athletes foot right away. This was a man who had his knees and ankles shaved, for easy taping I knew this was a hard-core sports fanatic. We both share a tremendous love of Football and basketball. For many years we have had a running bet during the season as to who will score more goals or more runs which of course, I always won.
Neil is a ______________ [Grooms Occupation] in Truro, and I thought_________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________[Funny or quirky aspect about grooms occupation] Neil is a man who has dedicated his life to __________________[Grooms occupation] And now I’m sure will use his experience with ___________________________[what the Groom does in his occupation] in his marriage with Claire.

It is great that Neil found Claire He has always been looking for someone, young, dynamic, intelligent, attractive, and with good health insurance. Neil and Claire met_________________________ [where they meet], But I have it on good authority that Neil started looking for a wife on the internet. And with a multitude of resources at his fingertips, he found some really great stuff, but sadly was unable to find himself a suitable partner. That is, until I mentioned to him that the correct category to be looking should be Woman Seeking Man. I explained the way it works, send an old picture when you still had lots of hair, lie about your height and weight, and at all other times be sincere and honest. I imagine that when Neil and Claire met and introduced each other he said I’m Neil and she said “I need a Diamond” So Neil said, sure let’s pick one out. Claire is a Diamond. Neil is a gem; I think together they make beautiful jewellery.

No Marriage would be complete without some brotherly advice to help set you on your way… So I canvassed the room and got some really good stuff for you!

  1. Love honour and cherish each other, and don’t forget to take out the garbage
  2. Your wife is always right
  3. Just in case she is not right, refer back to #2
  4. Always, yes always, notice every new hairstyle or dress
  5. Do something nice for each other every single day.
  6. If she asks if something makes her look fat the answer is categorically NO
  7. Flowers are always a good Idea, even if you are not in trouble
  8. There is really nothing better than a good foot rub or massage
  9. Your wife is more important than sports. I guess. Even the cup final

It is a great joy for me to see Neil and Claire so happy. You learn things when you get older. Hmmm I mean more mature. You make better decisions, isn’t it great that two people would entwine and commit to each other for life. Love, isn’t that what it is all about? We are here to celebrate that glorious event and this ceremony is all about letting the world know how much Neil and Claire’s love for each other is a reflection of one’s own soul in another’s. Anyway it is time to celebrate the Joyous and unbridled love that these two spectacular people will share the rest of their lives, would you please stand now and join me in a toast.

To love and laughter and happily ever after.