Best man speech jokes and one liners

It always settles the nerves when you get a laugh so here’s a few best man speech jokes and one liners to give you a bit of inspiration. You will obviously have your own style and sense of humour so you may wish to adapt or not use at all! Hopefully they give you a bit of food for thought for the wedding day.

It has been a very emotional day ……..as some of you must have noticed that even the cake is in tiers.

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, your either me (because I am) or you just married Mark Owen.

I read somewhere that a best man speech shouldn’t take any longer than it takes the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen – I give you Mr and Mrs Owen. (Take drink and sit down).

Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history.  The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt.  Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

I heard there was a sweep stake on the length of the best mans speech. I just went for 35 minutes – so settle in…….

No seriously this speech will be a bit like Clive short and not very funny…..

I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff.  But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

You’ll need a prop for this one – a heavy stack of cue cards that might be used as memory joggers for your speech. “I caught up with Martin’s mum earlier and she told me that I wasn’t to mention any of the incidents with his ex-girlfriend [pause and put a third of the cue cards on the table], alcohol, [pause and put the second third of the cue cards on the table] or the police…[put the remaining cards down and start to gently whistle to yourself]…well that’s that then!”

Stuart’s had some dodgy girlfriends over the years. I never forget a face but in their case I’d be glad to make an exception

Mark has always been a bit of a hypochondriac but I think he learned his lesson during exam time when he took a sleeping tablet and a laxative in the same night. That was a messy one!

Well, I do hope that Howard and Mary enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway… When I asked Howard what he was doing after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight…

Well, what can I tell you about the groom? I’ve know him for about 10 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic..sorry, wrong wedding.

There is an unwritten rule of wedding etiquette that states that nobody should look more handsome than the groom and I’d like to thank our ushers Dave and Parry for sticking to that rule to the letter. I’m not quite sure that saying “You’ll sit where you’re ruddy well put” was really in the spirit of the day, but we’ll let that pass.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Matt. I have been Tim’s mate for 2 days now, he found my advert on a website as he hasn’t got many friends so had to hire someone for the day.

I am actually a little nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience at the local old peoples home, … I think it went well,they all peed themselves anyway.

– Nobody ever seems to pay the Groom a compliment, I think you”ll all agree Mike is also looking pretty good. For those of you who don’t know Mike is actually one of the hairiest men in Britain, with that in mind I’d like to thank the staff at Chester Zoo’s Ape and Monkey House on Mike’s behalf for their help in getting him ready for today.

I can only say in my defence that Mike and I share a common sense of humour so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Mike.”

I’d also like to congratulate Keith on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.
During the service today I couldn’t help thinking its funny how history repeats itself, I mean it was 30 years ago David and Pam were sending their daughter to bed with a dummy………and it’s happening all over again today.

Apparently the continents of Europe and America are moving towards each other at a rate of about 5 cms a year. Now this is very slow progress. Scientists have actually created a scale to measure things that move very slowly known as the Sam Davies scale as it based on the time it has taken him to make an honest woman of Sam!

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Ollie and for those of you that do … well I apologise. My full name is actually ‘Ollie would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.

Firstly I’d just like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

I decided to look up Dan’s date of birth on the Internet to see what momentous events took place on his birthday. Unfortunately nothing much seems to have happened. Although the nurses on the ward where Dan was born still refer to that day as Ugly Thursday!

Unaccustomed to public speaking as I am, I have been fairly nervous before today’s speeches, however Gav was very good and took me aside to help calm me, he said if I did a really good job and went easy on him, I could be the best man at his next wedding.

Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today:

Dear Mike,
Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you’ve made the right choice. Love Michael Barrymore.
Dear Emma, It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we’ll have to call it a day now you’re married. From Brad Pitt

John did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Jane did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes.

So where do I start with Marc? Well for starters he’s…Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry…Marc …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you can tell me the rest later.

What are these you ask yourselves – well they’re Tom’s Chastity pants. [Hold up boxer shorts & padlock] Sarah has been making him wear these for the past four years keeping his crown jewels securely under lock and key. She thought that only one key had been made. But rumour has it that copies were made of this key by Tom and he has been giving these keys out to various ladies over the past few years without Sarah knowing. If anyone out there has any of these keys could we please have them back in now as Tom is married and completely out of bounds to any girl but Sarah. [Wait for keys to come back in, after being given out strategically to men, aunts etc] You dark horse Tom!

Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out on anything.

There was one time when Mike was asked, ‘What is Emma’s favourite flower?’ To which he had no hesitation in replying, ‘Self Raising!’ ‘What makes a good wife?’ ‘One who helps her husband with the washing up!’ And, ‘What’s the last thing you’ll say to you wife before going to sleep?’ ‘It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway’

Leading up to today John and Jane were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there.
So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of Jane and John thank‐you very much for the teaspoons

I’ve also spoken to some of Mike’s work colleagues who tell me that his nickname at work is ‘The God’, its true, apparently he makes his own rules and if he does any work it’s usually a miracle.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …

On their first date, Sam took Julie to dinner at one of the poshest restaurants in [location]. All was going splendidly and Sam was delighted when Julie asked him seductively after the main course, if he would like some a little sweeter to follow. Blushing he said, “Oh yes please…” Julie, finding Sam to be the well-mannered chap that he is, said “It’s okay, you needn’t be so polite”, to which he replied “oh, well, in that case, yes please….you, you cow!”

Don’t worry my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. Sarah has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And Tom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the stag weekend in Dublin.

Also, during my research on the internet I also looked into weddings in general, I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself: ‐
The Aisle ‐ it’s the longest walk you’ll ever take
The Alter ‐ the place where two become one
The Hymn ‐ the celebration of marriage
I think Sarah must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I’m sure I heard her whisper Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn. “I’ll alter him”

Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff from ebay, amazon and I want one of those dot com. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until he overheard someone say the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.

So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where no‐one can say a bad word against him? Anyway that’s enough about me. I’m here to talk about Dave.

Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life.  Well she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.

On Richards first date with Ally he thought he’d make an impression, and promised her a seven course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack!

I spoke to both Sally and Pete before the Wedding and I asked Paul what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.”

When I asked Sally the same question – she replied – A coffee perculator!

Well, she actually said a “perky populator” but I knew what she meant

But I do think you owe me some thanks too Sarah.. For it was part of my extensive list of duties on this amazing day… To keep Simon’s ex Girlfriends away… Although I must admit Ladies and Gentleman… That I did get some help on that… from the recent foot and mouth outbreak…

Speaking of Jane, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …Dan likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of the kitchen.

For those of you on the Bride’s side who are just getting to know him; here is some advice. Never let him date a member of your family.

His colleagues describe him as a first class banker – I may have misheard them.

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!

You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles.. It’s a great honour but you don’t really want to do it!

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Then, having duly accepted the honour, I spent a long time wondering how to describe Chris – with the respect due to a man on his wedding day; how to strike the right tone of sincerity, praise and warmth. You see, Chris is a man who truly defies description. I could speak for an hour about him (don’t worry, I’m not going to) and when I’d finished we’d be no closer to grasping the essential essence of my very dear friend… And yet, miraculously, he can be very neatly summed up with a single, internationally recognised hand gesture.