Paintball Stag Do

A paintballing stag do is the one I’d book if I knew nothing else about the group. It’s playing soldiers in the woods with grown men who should know better, it’s simple to pick up, and it gives every lad a perfectly legal excuse to shoot the stag in the backside. There are paintball sites all over the UK, so you’re rarely far from one.

The games are basically the ones you played at school. Capture the flag, defend the fort, hunt the stag. You get a marker, a mask and a hopper full of paint, and a marshal explains the rest in the safety briefing. Nobody needs to be fit or good at anything, which matters when half your group’s last sporting achievement was the egg and spoon race.

It’s also brilliant for settling old scores. That mate who borrowed the stag’s car and brought it back on empty? Now’s your chance.

The stag should never blend in. Everyone else is in camouflage, so put him in something bright and daft from our stag do costumes and watch him become the most popular target in the county. Some venues will sort a costume for the stag on bigger bookings, so it’s worth asking when you book.

Then there’s the stag run. The lads line up as a firing squad (one row or two, depending on how much you like him) and the stag has to sprint the length of it. It takes about ten seconds. It feels a lot longer. For him, anyway.

Agree the rules first, though. Most sites have their own limits on close-range shots, and the marshal’s word is final. I’d rather the stag turned up to the wedding with a bruised ego than a welt on his neck.

If standard paintball feels a bit tame, tank battle paintballing brings real armoured vehicles into the game. Alongside the usual kit, each side gets a vehicle (usually an ex-military personnel carrier, modified for the job) and the crew take turns driving it about and firing a paintball cannon at the opposition.

Every lad who has spent a weekend on a war video game will suddenly think he’s a tank commander. Most of them are wrong, and that’s the entertainment. It’s rarer than normal paintball, so expect a bit more travel, but it gives you a story nobody else at the wedding will be able to top.

• Bruises. Paintballs sting, and the marks can turn up a day or two later. If the stag do is close to the wedding, ask the lads to go easy on anything that’ll show above a shirt collar.
• What to wear. Old clothes you don’t mind binning, boots or trainers with decent grip, and an extra hoodie for padding. Most sites provide overalls and a mask, but check.
• The booze rule. Save it for later. Sites won’t let anyone play who’s been drinking, and nobody wants a hungover man with a paint gun.
• How much paint. Packages usually include a set number of paintballs and top-ups cost extra. Trigger-happy lads get through them fast, so check what’s included.
• Indoor or outdoor. Woodland sites give you the full war film. Indoor arenas are handier for a city centre and stay dry when it pours.

The best outdoor sites tend to be near cities with plenty of countryside on the doorstep. Nottingham, Sheffield and Cardiff are all strong bets, with woods and hills close by and a good night out to come back to. London is trickier because space is tight, so most outdoor sites are a train ride out of the centre.

Not sold on paint? Laser tag gives you the same running about with no bruises at all, which suits a mixed group or a stag with a wedding suit to squeeze into. Airsoft goes the other way, with realistic replica kit and a more tactical feel. It’s for the lads who take this sort of thing far too seriously, and you know exactly who they are.