Football Stag Do

Exactly what it says on the tin. You book a pitch, split the lads into teams and settle, once and for all, who was actually any good at school. Most groups go for five-a-side. It’s cheap, it’s easy to organise, and whether you’re Cristiano Ronaldo or Carlton Palmer, you’ll have a laugh.

No other daytime activity gets the whole group playing together at once. Everyone’s involved, everyone’s shouting at each other, and the stag gets to sweat out the night before. Some stag packages make a proper day of it, with a pitch booked for the afternoon and the night out sorted afterwards. Others add a twist, like goggle football, where you play wearing goggles that make everything a bit blurry. Think of it as practice for later.

Everyone can play. The Sunday league lad, the uncle who hasn’t run for a bus in years and the mate who only watches it down the pub can all get on the pitch. Nobody needs to be good. Most of you won’t be.

It’s cheap. Split the pitch hire between the group and it’s one of the best value activities going, which leaves more in the kitty for the evening.

It breaks the ice. If half the group have never met, nothing gets them talking faster than a dodgy offside call.

• Get shirts made. Personalised shirts with daft nicknames on the back. The stag gets the captain’s armband, whether he deserves it or not.
• Bring a ref. Or at least a whistle and a set of cards. A neutral referee saves a lot of arguing. Nobody will be neutral.
• Play for something. A cheap trophy for the winners, and the losers buy the first round.
• Finish with penalties. Stick the stag in goal and let everyone have a shot. Go easy, he needs to look decent in the photos.

• The pitch and the footwear. Ask what surface it is and what shoes they allow, so nobody turns up in the wrong boots.
• Numbers. Five-a-side is ten on the pitch. With a bigger group, book a longer slot and run a mini tournament with rolling subs.
• The time slot. Some packages only include the pitch at certain times, so check before you plan the rest of the day around it.
• Play first, drink after. A hungover game is funny for about ten minutes. A drunk one ends in A&E.
• No hero tackles on the groom. He has to walk down the aisle. Keep it friendly.

If the lads fancy a bit more chaos, bubble football is the same game with added bouncing, and footgolf is the gentler option for mixed fitness. For a team day without a ball, have a look at team games.

Football-mad cities make the best base. Newcastle, Manchester and Liverpool all have football packages, and abroad there’s a Barcelona package that pairs a five-a-side game with a tour of the Nou Camp.