We’ve all been there. You crack a gag, you think it’s hilarious, and then… silence. The tumbleweed rolls past and you feel smaller than a subatomic particle. Now imagine that same feeling in front of a roomful of wedding guests, with the bride’s nan staring at you, while you’re supposed to be representing your best mate. That’s the worst best man speech, and it happens far more often than you’d think.
Year after year the clangers keep dropping, and weddings get remembered not for the happy couple but for “the guy who said…”. So here they are: the worst best man lines ever used, real-life wedding speech disasters, toasts that crashed and burnt, and a couple of fathers of the bride who should have known better. Every one is a real line that somebody actually stood up and said. Read, wince, and don’t be that guy.
The worst best man lines ever used
Real lines from real best man speeches. If you’re thinking of dropping any of these bombs, you’d better hope the ground opens up and swallows you whole. Names swapped for placeholders, to protect the guilty.
It sure took you a while. We were beginning to think you were gay. No really.
(Bride), you’re beautiful inside and out… I should know!
This guy laid more pipe in his day than a plumber.
I cannot believe this girl agreed to marry you! I mean look at her, she’s beautiful.
When I first met the bride, I didn’t like her much at all.
You sure did prove me wrong. The last time you guys broke up I was SURE it was for good.
Not a lot of people know this, but back in the day… well, let’s just say I got there first.
I know I shouldn’t say this, but it’s really great that (Bride) is so rich.
This is the second time I’ve been (Groom)’s best man. Let’s hope this marriage lasts longer than that one!
I know a really good solicitor if this doesn’t work out.
(Groom), remember when you two broke up and how sad you were? And how you would go out with other girls but no matter what happened you still missed (Bride)? You need to remember that feeling if you two ever think that you want to get divorced.
Congratulations on the pregnancy! You have started telling people, right?
I think everyone here will agree with me when I say this is one of the best weddings I’ve been to. It must have cost a fortune.
Tradition dictates that the bride’s dress is white because it’s virginal. So nice to see (Bride) in violet today.
I’m really happy that we’re all here to celebrate today, but I’d like to pause for a moment to remember the one billion people who live in chronic hunger every day.
When (Groom) entered triple figures, I thought he’d never get married! Looks like I got that one wrong.
I remember this one time (Groom) and I went to a brothel in Europe…
Finally (Groom) has found someone with low enough self-esteem to marry him.
When I first met (Bride)’s dad he told me that I should be aware she had acute angina. I said “yeah I know, and her ass is pretty damn fine too.”
Spot the pattern. Exes, money, the bride’s past, the groom’s body count, divorce, pregnancy. Every one is a tumbleweed waiting to happen.
The worst best man speeches of all time
A single bad line is survivable. A whole bad speech is not. Counted down from merely awful to genuinely jaw-dropping.
5. The “I’ll wing it” one
You know it’s going to be bad when the best man opens with “Shit, bugger.” It goes downhill from there. He’s been told to thank some people, so he says “thanks” and moves on. He heckles the bride. He makes a few drunken references and then turns to the audience for rescue. A classic example of a gent who thought he’d wing it, and so bad it ends up being funny, though not in the way he intended.
4. The rambling one
You know you’re in trouble when the guests don’t look too pleased before you’ve finished the first page. This one reads from a script, gets interrupted and asks the room to be respectful, delivers the whole thing with shockingly bad timing and finishes with an awful toast. The lesson is not “don’t use notes”, it is “rehearse the notes”.
3. The awkward one
This poor bloke is obviously not a public speaker. The tumbleweeds start blowing from pretty much the first gag and the silence is deafening by the end. Weighing in at 111 seconds, this was the longest two minutes of his life, and judging by the audience reaction, of everyone else’s too. Short is good. Short and silent is not.
2. The drunken one
The title says it all. The only description that survives of this one is “drunken”, which tells you everything you need to know about how it went. Have your drink after the speech, not before it. Nobody has ever got funnier after a few pints, they only think they have.
1. The totally off-limits one
At number one, and by some distance, is the speech where the groom asks his guests to “buckle up” at the start, and he couldn’t have been more right. Think of everything you would consider off limits for a best man speech and it’s in here. Masturbation? Check. Blow jobs? Check. Anal sex? Check. Our man even asks for hush halfway through as the slow ripple of disbelief turns into hushed discussions of “did he just say that?”. As reality starts to bite, his written copy (yes, he pre-wrote this stuff) gets forcibly removed by a middle-aged woman who had had just about enough. Was it the comment about the spread butt-cheeks? We’ll never know. The worst best man speech of all time.
Real-life wedding speech disasters
Sent in by guests, brides, mothers and one waiter who could have heard a pin drop.
- At one wedding the best man somewhat misjudged the audience when he announced: “I’m more pleased for (Groom) today than that time he had a threesome with two nurses.” The silence was deafening.
- A groom, of all people, made an awful attempt at humour with: “And now we’re married, the beatings start.” The guest who sent this in was there and still can’t quite believe it happened.
- A waiter at one reception reports the best man saying: “(Groom) doesn’t have any skeletons in his closet, and I’m not talking about necrophilia, don’t worry Granny.”
- One best man used the name of the groom’s ex-wife instead of the bride’s. Not once. Throughout the entire speech.
- Worst opening line ever? “What can I say about our (Groom)? He’s a tw*t.”
- A best man joked about taking the bridesmaid home, forgetting she was only 12.
- A stepson acting as his stepdad’s best man said he’d looked up what a best man speech should include, “and it seems that details of the groom’s past sexual adventures may feature, which is a bit weird for me seeing as I was a product of one of them.”
- A couple had considered getting married in Greece but decided against it. The best man tried to make a joke of it, saying he was disappointed because it would have been the ideal time for the men to take their wives up the Acropolis.
- One very nervous best man took on a few drinks to steady himself, then sensibly read his speech out to his own table as a practice run. What he didn’t realise was that when he put it back in his pocket it was open on the final page. He stood up, started reading from page three, and when the penny dropped announced to the whole room: “Sh*t, I’ve started at the wrong bit… well I’ve f****d that up, haven’t I.”
- Not just a best man problem. At one wedding the maid of honour said she had “warned” the bride “not to marry (Groom), but she went ahead and married him anyway… so I hope it works out.”
- And one for the mothers. A bride’s 19-year-old son gave her away and made a point of saying: “My mother’s never looked lovelier than she does today… though of course the hair and make-up do help.”
Inappropriate wedding toasts (and dirty wedding toasts to avoid)
The toast is the final line of the speech, the bit where you raise a glass and send everyone off happy. It is supposed to be the easy part. These best men gambled on an alternative option and lost in spectacular fashion. If you were planning a dirty wedding toast, this is what one sounds like from the other side of the room.
Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding. For my cock. Which incidentally is also upstanding.
One word of advice: wait until you have kids before you cheat.
To a thrilling lifetime together spent watching thousands upon thousands of hours of television.
May this marriage turn out better than your first one.
May all your ups and downs be between the sheets.
I know I promised that I would make a toast, but I didn’t have time to write anything.
To the proud parents to be.
I’ve been friends with (Groom) all my life but I can honestly say this is the first free meal he’s ever offered me. The cheapskate.
I’ll be there for you at the next wedding when this one doesn’t work out.
To the bride and groom. 60% of marriages end in divorce and in the rest, you live happily until death. Here’s hoping you die.
“May all your ups and downs be between the sheets” still does the rounds as a “funny” toast. It isn’t. It is the toast equivalent of a novelty tie. For a proper ending, see our best man speech guide.
Worst father of the bride speeches
Best men don’t have a monopoly on this.
- One straight-talking dad lived up to his reputation when he looked at the groom and, without a hint of a smile, said: “Stop playing with that Xbox and play with something else, because I want grandchildren.”
- Another bride’s father did his entire speech in metaphor. Nobody understood a single thing he meant. He could have delivered it in another language and made more sense. A very awkward silence, followed by fake applause.
If you are the dad and you’re reading this, we have a page for you too: father of the bride speech. Spoiler: leave the grandchildren out of it.
How not to end up on this list
The same handful of mistakes come up again and again. Avoid these and you are already in the top half of best men.
- Exes don’t exist. Not the groom’s, not the bride’s, and not whatever you and the bride did or didn’t do years ago. The ex-wife name slip, the “last time you broke up” gag and “I got there first” all come from the same place. Pretend the couple’s history started the day they met.
- Nothing about sex, money or divorce. That rules out body counts, brothels, nurses, solicitors, how much the wedding cost and how rich the bride is. Those subjects account for most of the lines above. Check our best man speech jokes page for the stuff that does work.
- Write it down and rehearse it. “I’ll wing it” gave us number five. “I didn’t have time to write anything” gave us one of the worst toasts going. The best man who started on page three had a script but hadn’t practised standing up with it. Read it out loud, in order, standing up, until you can get through it without losing your place.
- Drink after, not before. The drunken one, the wrong-page one and the “Shit, bugger” one all had Dutch courage in common. Nerves are normal, and we have a whole page on how to conquer the nerves that doesn’t involve a bottle.
- Check the room. There are grandparents, children and possibly a vicar. “Don’t worry Granny” is not a get-out clause. If a line needs a disclaimer, it needs cutting.
- Be nice about the bride. Properly nice. “I didn’t like her much at all”, “low enough self-esteem” and “so nice to see her in violet” are all attempts at a laugh at the bride’s expense. The room will always side with the bride. Say she looks beautiful, say the groom is lucky, and mean it.
Our best man speech guide walks you through structure, what to include and how long to go on for, and the best man speech examples show you what a good one actually looks like. If you have read all this and your draft still has a nurse in it, our speech writing service can take it off your hands before the bride’s mum gets to you.
Frequently asked questions
What is the worst best man speech of all time?
The one where the groom told guests to buckle up and the best man covered masturbation, oral sex and anal sex before a middle-aged guest physically took his notes off him. Everything you would consider off limits for a best man speech was in it.
What should you never say in a best man speech?
Anything about exes, the bride or groom’s sexual history, money, how much the wedding cost, divorce or pregnancy. Almost every real-life disaster in our list comes from one of those subjects, and most of them also got a laugh at the bride’s expense.
Are dirty wedding toasts a good idea?
No. Real toasts like “may all your ups and downs be between the sheets” and “please be upstanding, for my cock” are remembered for the silence that followed them. Keep the toast short, warm and about the couple, and save the dirty material for the stag do.
Why do best man speeches go wrong?
The same reasons keep coming up: winging it with no script, drinking before the speech, not rehearsing standing up, and misjudging a room that contains grandparents and children. The best man who started reading from page three had done all four.
