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Comic Speech #8

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Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Sam, and as is traditional on these occasions, I’m here to welcome you all to this very special day, point out the fire exits and for those of you who don’t already know Adam, give you a little bit of a background on why Dawn would put up with him the way she does.

Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I’d like to thank Adam for his kind words. I think everybody will agree that the bridesmaids look absolutely gorgeous and Dawn, can I just say you look stunning.

Whereas Adam just looks stunned.

When Adam asked me to be his best man today, part of me was honoured, part of me was terrified, but mostly I was laughing inwardly that he’s finally admitting what we’ve known all along, that I am, in fact, better than him.

Having never been a best man before, I had to spend several hours on Google to try and find out exactly what my duties would be. I also came across several pictures of Britney Spears, but that’s by-the-by.

So apparently the most important thing I had to do was make sure Adam got to the church on time, looking presentable, clean-cut and sober. Given how nervous he was this morning, the ‘sober’ part was a minor miracle, and as for the rest, well, I got him there on time…
Some of you, incidentally, may have been surprised by how calm and collected Adam has seemed today – he seemed to have avoided the wedding day jitters and kept insisting ‘I’m fine, really’ all day.

However, that’s probably because none of you saw him at 9 o’clock this morning when he was lying face down on his bed in his hotel room, in shorts and a t-shirt, with his mum rubbing his back and trying to get him to eat just a few more cornflakes.

(Sorry, mate, you know I had to mention it.)
Anyway, where was I?

I’ve known Adam for approaching 15 years now, since he used to have hair, in fact, and when I first encountered him at school, was reliably informed that he was the ‘cocky northern one’. As those of you who know him can tell, he hasn’t changed much. His hairline has, but not him. Over the years, he’s proven to be the best friend a man could have. From walking our dogs together, going to a pub for the first time with him, carrying him home when he’s become a little too… ahem… emotional.

While drunkenly singing various Queen hits, he’s been a true friend, like a brother to me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him, and likewise, nothing he wouldn’t do for me. In fact we spend our whole lives doing nothing for each other. By the way, I should just say that if he challenges anyone to an arm-wrestle later on, use your left arm. And if he grins and asks you to pull his finger, I’d advise you to leave quickly and quietly by the nearest available exit.

When Adam first met Dawn, I knew there was something special happening. Having been a bit of a jack the lad before then, he was absurdly proud of never having bought a drink for a woman, so when he bought her a rose and a drink on valentines day 9 years ago today, we could tell something was in the wind.

They’ve now been together for a long time, and I can’t think of a single couple more perfect for each other. She brings out the good side in him, which takes a lot of effort; in fact I’d say she’s made him a better person since they’ve been together. Dawn, I’d like to thank you on behalf of humanity for that.

So to wrap this up, I’d just like to say that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it’s about finding someone you can’t live without.
So if everyone would like to join me in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Kent, Adam and Dawn.
May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last for ever.
Ladies and Gentlemen: The Bride and Groom.